I'm a 28 y/o stand-up comic who's been on Comedy Central, Last Comic Standing and the Tonight Show. I've toured almost 300 colleges and I was recently named one of LA Weekly's "Top 10 Comedy Acts to Watch in 2012" and one of Funny or Die's "30 Comedians to Watch Under 30."
1: What do vampires call tampons?
2. Why don’t ghosts have babies?
Because then they’d be apparent.
3. What do mummies release when they exercise?
4. Why aren’t any mummies in AA?
They’re in denial.
5. Why do modern witches take forever to get where they’re going?
They’re feminists, so they refuse to use brooms
6. Why doesn’t Frankenstein live in LA?
There’s already enough Steins.
7. Why don’t any werewolves live in LA?
Everyone would just think they’re Armenian.
ShitMyDadSays is a twitter account where a guy writes all the funny things his 74 year-old dad says. I read through them all and here are the 15 best:
“Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit’s in someone else’s pants.”
“Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?…That’s her? Yeah, that’s a stripper, son, I don’t give a shit what you say.”
“Look, we’re basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job’s to help people shit or fuck, it’s not that important, so relax.”
“I lost 20 pounds…How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised.”
“Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.”
“It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d fuck you twice if they had another dick.”
“HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has ‘fucking people’ down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first.”
“Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems.”
“Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don’t be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise.”
“Don’t mess with him…Trust me, you don’t fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They’re unpredictable.”
“Don’t start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick’s huge before you screw. Even if you’re right you sound like an asshole.”
“Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss.”
“A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”
“Don’t ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody’s panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord.”
“That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”
As a someone who grew up in Cleveland, I always loved LeBron. We’re the exact age - both born in December ‘84. One of my friends even guarded him in a high school game.
And since we had similar upbringings, I really couldn’t understand how he could be so disloyal. I mean if I had his talent, not only would I refuse to play for any team except Cleveland, I’d take a pay cut so the Cavs could bring in better players. That’s how dedicated I’d be to bringing them the first championship in my lifetime.
But then I came across this letter, and it made a little more sense. This is a real letter from LeBron James, I’m not making this up:
How’d you guys not seeing this coming? I mean I wear Yankees hats to Cleveland Indian’s games! My favorite teams were the Cowboys and the Bulls, not the Browns or the Cavs! So obviously I was going to join the Yankees of the NBA. The team expected to win, and whom everyone will hate.
Oh, wait. Maybe you didn’t see it coming because I drew out my decision so long. Just so I could see you beg for me and then ultimately fuck you. To be fair, I needed the ego boost. I mean clearly it’s not big enough. I only had one hour to tell you about my decision! And now I have to share the spotlight with D-Wade! Even if we do win, I’ll just be his Scottie Pippen!
You probably all think I’m being selfish. Quite the opposite. I mean, to be willing to put my superstardom aside when I “bring my talent to south beach” means I’m actually quite selfless. Because there is no “I” in “team” with me. Just like there is no “I” in “loyalty”.
Come on, people, you live in Cleveland. You know how cold it gets in Winter. I’m going to Miami! And I suggest you make like the Cleveland jobs and also just leave!
You’ll always be where my heart is,