I'm a 28 y/o stand-up comic who's been on Comedy Central, Last Comic Standing and the Tonight Show. I've toured almost 300 colleges and I was recently named one of LA Weekly's "Top 10 Comedy Acts to Watch in 2012" and one of Funny or Die's "30 Comedians to Watch Under 30."
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
New CrossFire Video!
Halloween Jokes!
1: What do vampires call tampons?
teabags
2. Why don’t ghosts have babies?
Because then they’d be apparent.
3. What do mummies release when they exercise?
Pharaoh-moans
4. Why aren’t any mummies in AA?
They’re in denial.
5. Why do modern witches take forever to get where they’re going?
They’re feminists, so they refuse to use brooms
6. Why doesn’t Frankenstein live in LA?
There’s already enough Steins.
7. Why don’t any werewolves live in LA?
Everyone would just think they’re Armenian.
I have a new podcast! Along with co-host Katie Levine, we get guests to admit embarrassing stories during a game of Never Have I Ever. So far, guests include Pete Holmes, Brendon Walsh, Karl Hess, Nick Rutherford, Claudia Cogan and Adam Cayton-Holland. It’s on iTunes or at:
Did anyone else think this Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was antisemitic? Holy shit. They go to the bank, and the “bankers” are short, hook-nosed goblins who are counting money! Seriously? How did the people who run Hollywood let this movie get made?
You can’t just make fun of stereotypes by disguising groups of people as creatures. What’s next? ”I’m a werewolf and I like chicken and watermelon because I’m wild!”
George Lucas did the same shit. Remember the intergalactic league of nations in Star Wars? The fish people who spoke like propaganda depictions of Chinamen during the Boxer Rebellion?
That whole Harry Potter movie was a Christian allegory. He’s a Christ figure who goes to purgatory and sees Voldemort as an aborted fetus. Subtext: abortions are evil.
I’m sick of this Christian bullshit, so I’m writing my own movie that makes fun of them the same way. Except the Christians will be zombies, since their messiah came back from the dead 3 days later. But they’ll all be fat, stupid zombies living in the Midwest. And they’ll have ignorant views, like, “Don’t let them goddamn Mummies build a pyramid at ground zero!”
The Last Pizza Commercial from Brandon Routh
I wrote and acted in today’s featured video on Funny Or Die!
My Podcast Debut!
Check out my Podcast Debut on Second Column. (click on the link above or go to iTunes). Starting at minute 33, it’s basically just me telling funny sex stories.
Click Here (30 under 30 Comedians to Watch)
I’m featured on Funny or Die / Splashlife’s “30 Under 30 - Comedians to Watch” along w/ some great comics like Hannibal Buress, Ryan Stout, Eric André, Ali Wong, Joselyn Hughes, Nikki Glaser, Andy Peters, Johnny Pemberton, Joe Mande and TJ Miller.
Katie Page and Rob O’Reilly are starting a new comedy show every Sunday 8pm in Los Angeles - Los Feliz specifically.
Comedy Barre. Every Sunday 8pm, starting February 13th.
Vermont Restaurant (1714 N. Vermont Ave)
Free show w/ 2 drink minimum
Line-ups:
FEB 13
Kyle Kinane, Kumail Nanjiani, TJ Miller, Sean Patton, Sagar Bhatt
FEB 20
Laura Kightlinger, Pete Holmes, Rory Scovel, Barry Rothbart, DC Pierson, Dominic Dierkes,
FEB 27
No Show because of Oscars
MARCH 6
Dana Gould, Jimmy Pardo, Sklar Bros., Matt Braunger, Luke Cunningham, Tig Notaro, Kyle Dunnigan, Harris Wittels
Amazon pulled the book The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover’s Code of Conduct. I thought they already had a guide for pedophiles, called The Bible?
When you buy an album by The Who, it goes, “You may also enjoy The Pedophile’s Guide…
I liked the movie better. It starred Kevin Spacey and was directed by Roman Polanski.
I know about this book. In college, I had a major in literature and a minor in my trunk.
This book is perfect. Let’s say you were going to a birthday party, you wrap this book up as a gift and write that it’s from someone you don’t like at the party.
Fergie was named Glamour’s “Woman of the Year”, partly for her work with breast cancer charities. She reminded women to check their lovely lady lumps. Fergie also raised autism awareness, reminding the public it’s getting retarded in here. Fergie is in the group Black Eyed Peas. They used to just be called The Peas, but then they toured with Chris Brown. She thanked her husband Josh Duhamel for everything except Life As We Know It.
This is Australian rugby star Joel Monaghan getting oral sex from his teammate’s dog. Michael Vick wasn’t able to get off, but I bet this guy can.
Suck it bitch! Finally, rugby is interesting. I had no idea Australian dogs went “down under”. This gives whole new meaning to the term “doggy style”. Though in his defense, he was just trying to give a dog a bone. I hope it’s a female dog, otherwise that is so gay. And I hope he first asked his teammate if the dog bites!
Ladies, beware of dating profiles with the caption “Must Love Dogs”.
I mean has this Australian learned nothing from Bella? You’re supposed to just flirt with canines and screw dead people! Twilight reference, no?
I’ll be honest, at first I thought it was a new sex tape with Bristol Palin. What? She’s ugly. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’ll probably still win Dancing with the Stars.
The 15 Funniest Tweets of ShitMyDadSays
ShitMyDadSays is a twitter account where a guy writes all the funny things his 74 year-old dad says. I read through them all and here are the 15 best:
“Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit’s in someone else’s pants.”
“Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?…That’s her? Yeah, that’s a stripper, son, I don’t give a shit what you say.”
“Look, we’re basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job’s to help people shit or fuck, it’s not that important, so relax.”
“I lost 20 pounds…How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised.”
“Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.”
“It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d fuck you twice if they had another dick.”
“HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has ‘fucking people’ down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first.”
“Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems.”
“Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don’t be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise.”
“Don’t mess with him…Trust me, you don’t fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They’re unpredictable.”
“Don’t start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick’s huge before you screw. Even if you’re right you sound like an asshole.”
“Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss.”
“A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”
“Don’t ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody’s panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord.”
“That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.”
A Letter from LeBron to Cleveland
As a someone who grew up in Cleveland, I always loved LeBron. We’re the exact age - both born in December ‘84. One of my friends even guarded him in a high school game.
And since we had similar upbringings, I really couldn’t understand how he could be so disloyal. I mean if I had his talent, not only would I refuse to play for any team except Cleveland, I’d take a pay cut so the Cavs could bring in better players. That’s how dedicated I’d be to bringing them the first championship in my lifetime.
But then I came across this letter, and it made a little more sense. This is a real letter from LeBron James, I’m not making this up:
Dear Cleveland,
How’d you guys not seeing this coming? I mean I wear Yankees hats to Cleveland Indian’s games! My favorite teams were the Cowboys and the Bulls, not the Browns or the Cavs! So obviously I was going to join the Yankees of the NBA. The team expected to win, and whom everyone will hate.
Oh, wait. Maybe you didn’t see it coming because I drew out my decision so long. Just so I could see you beg for me and then ultimately fuck you. To be fair, I needed the ego boost. I mean clearly it’s not big enough. I only had one hour to tell you about my decision! And now I have to share the spotlight with D-Wade! Even if we do win, I’ll just be his Scottie Pippen!
You probably all think I’m being selfish. Quite the opposite. I mean, to be willing to put my superstardom aside when I “bring my talent to south beach” means I’m actually quite selfless. Because there is no “I” in “team” with me. Just like there is no “I” in “loyalty”.
Come on, people, you live in Cleveland. You know how cold it gets in Winter. I’m going to Miami! And I suggest you make like the Cleveland jobs and also just leave!
You’ll always be where my heart is,
LeBron
