Rob O'Reilly

For a while I was submitting jokes to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  Here are some jokes I wrote before or during that time.

50 Monologue Jokes

by Rob O’Reilly

1.      The octuplet mother’s fertility specialist Dr. Michael Kamrava is under heavy scrutiny for his role.  Apparently, he had never heard the old proverb, “Don’t put all your eggs in one mother-of-six.”

2.      Sunday night, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were both hoping to bring home an Oscar.  They settled for a child from Slumdog Millionaire.

3.      Southwest Airlines refused to let a passenger board a plane from Las Vegas to Chicago this weekend because he was “too fat to fly.”  The passenger said that he’s heard that all his life and that he hates being a penguin.

4.      There will be a ride at the “Wizarding World of Harry Potter” called “Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey.”  It’s the only ride you enter through the backdoor.

5.      Harrison Ford confirmed yesterday that he, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are agreed on what the fifth “Indiana Jones” movie will be about.  Rumors are it’ll be called, “Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the lost Werther’s Original.”

6.      Congratulations to ESPN – for celebrating its 30th anniversary yesterday. Now that it’s turned 30, ESPN plans on settling down with the Oxygen Network.

7.      Tim McGraw and the Black-Eyed Peas performed at the NFL’s first regular-season game.  If you’ve never heard of the Black-Eyed Peas, they used to just be called The Peas, but then they toured with Chris Brown.

8.      After losing 8 straight games to the Boston Red Sox ­ the NY Yankees swept the Sox in a 4-game series at the new Yankee Stadium. This marks the first time anything has been swept in the Bronx.

9.      Kevin Jonas, of The Jonas Brothers, has announced that he’s engaged.  Now he’ll have to wear a wedding ring to symbolize that he doesn’t have sex.

10.  Lance Armstrong’s stolen bike has mysteriously been returned.  But what Armstrong will never get back, is his peace of mind.  And by “peace of mind” I mean testicle.

11.  David Beckham is furious about a commercial for a Viagra-like drug that uses him as an unwilling spokesman.  Beckham said that he would never need such a product because he can still “bend it in.”

12.  Heather Mills is set to appear in an upcoming Guy Richie film.  So far, only her left leg is attached.

13.  Nicole Richie’s husband Joel Madden said that he’s expecting a “7-pound bundle of joy.”  And that 7-pound bundle is now pregnant.

14.  The USA Today reports that condom sales are on the rise, making it a safe investment.  Although it is the condom industry, so by the time it’s safe, it may no longer be on the rise.

15. Universal is releasing an eleventh movie in the Land Before Time series. It’s entitled Land Currently.

16.  A professor at Stanford University sequenced his entire genome in one week for under $50,000 – researchers completed the same task in 2003 for $300 million after 13 years.  The professor said the key was that he bought the DNA a few drinks before he unzipped its genes.

17.  Clay Aiken has signed a new record deal with Decca records – the same label that represents Boyz II Men.  Clay said he signed with the label because he loves everything from “boys to men.”  Then when asked which songs, he said, “That’s the name of a group?”

18.  Rangers in California closed sections of Sequoia National Park after they discovered a marijuana garden growing in a cave.  The rangers don’t know who grew it, but are keeping an eye out for a bear who’s constantly stealing picnic baskets.

19.  Ikea is facing criticism for changing its catalog font to Verdana after using Futura for 50 years. Ikea called the criticism “crazy,” pointing out that it was typed in Wing Dings.

20.  Bob Dylan announced on his radio show that several companies have approached him to voice their GPS systems. How would that have worked?  “How does it feel, do be on your own, with no direction home? Well turn right on this road.”

21.  549 musicians gathered in Guadalajara, Mexico this week to break the record as the world’s biggest mariachi band. Then they were told to come back another time by a couple trying to eat.

22.  A judge in Los Angeles gave Paris Hilton permission to sue Hallmark for using her picture and catchphrase “That’s hot” on its greeting cards.  Paris is now trying to sue Planned Parenthood for her phrase, “That’s chlamydia.”

23.  A man stripped down to his boxer shorts for George Clooney at the Venice Film Festival on Tuesday, saying “Take me, choose me George, please.  May I kiss you, just once?” Police quickly identified the man as Matt Damon.

24.  Preservationists in Virginia filed a legal challenge yesterday to block construction of a Walmart Supercenter near a Civil War battlefield.  The battlefield is known for being the site where confederates made a final stand on their right to use slave labor, but enough about Walmart’s side…

25.  A new study (from a British pharmacy chain) found that the average British man or woman has slept with 2.8 million people – indirectly. The average was originally 1 million, but then the researchers realized they’d forgotten to include Jude Law.

26.  U.S. and Iranian officials met in Geneva for their first one-on-one negotiations today since 1979. President Obama stopped by on his way to Copenhagen – where he will meet up with Michelle Obama and Oprah.  That’s quite a trip for Obama - finally sitting face to face with power-hungry demagogues AND meeting with Iran.

27.  Paris Hilton was given a Razzie award for Worst Actress of 2008.  When asked how she felt about being given a Razzie, she asked what it was and whether or not she needed more penicillin.

28.  Former Harvard President Lawrence Summers recanted his statements that women are genetically inferior in math and science.  Summers says he changed his mind when his wife gave him the exact distance and velocity necessary to go sleep on the futon.

29.  Yesterday, after Obama announced a $75 billion foreclosure rescue plan, the Dow Jones closed at its lowest level in six years, causing the President to yell, “Jenga!”

30.  Sarah Palin owes $17,000 in back-taxes. They say the only two things you can count on are death and taxes.  While McCain cheats one, Palin cheats the other.

31.  In Ohio, a 4^th grade teacher was arrested for prostitution.  Parents noticed red flags when the woman’s students came home saying, “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now I have a herpes shot.”

32.  A Muslim-American TV executive named Muzzammil Hassan who decapitated his wife has dismissed the suggestion his Muslim culture played a role.  Instead he blamed the television culture, saying his industry is very cutthroat, and he wanted to get ahead.

33.  Michael Jackson’s body disappeared.  Police suspect it was the handiwork of a smooth criminal.

34.  Michael Jackson’s body has apparently disappeared.  Officials say explain that it’s very hard to find a corpse when it looks like a ghostly white skeleton.

35.  In Ohio, a woman was giving an eye witness account at a police station when an injured baby squirrel suddenly popped out of her cleavage.   The squirrel complained that he’d been boobytrapped.

36.  The New Jersey man who was attacked by a bear said he wished he was carrying a gun instead of a sandwich.  When asked why he now supports the 2^nd amendment, the man cited that he was hit over the head with a “right bear arm.”

37.  Yesterday, a beaver appeared in the Detroit River for the first time in 75 years.  Meaning the Detroit River, besides being full of toxins, finally has something else in common with Lindsay Lohan.

38.  Scientists speculate that the Ramapo Fault could eventually cause part of New Jersey to separate into the ocean, proving once and for all that even New Jersey doesn’t want to be in New Jersey.

39.  Hillary Clinton has stated that she thinks she’ll be successful in strengthening relationships with Southeast Asia, adding that every time Bill deals with Asians, he mentions getting a “happy ending.”

40.  The mayor of Mexico City has been trying to win over the elderly vote by dispensing free Viagra to poor men over 60 years old.  He’s getting ready for what he expects to be a long, hard election.

41.  Nadya Suleman, the mother of octuplets, is losing her home to foreclosure.  President Obama has decided to introduce a new package for people in Nadya’s situation.  It’s called condoms.

42.  Galileo Galilei, who was born on this day in history, February 15, 1564, is known as the Father of Modern Astronomy.  Tomorrow is the birthday of his brother, who was known as the Uncle of Modern Astronomy.

43.  Tyler Perry, writer/star of the #1 movie Madea Goes To Jail, said that the stereotype only black people watch his movies is not true.  He added that most African-Americans went to see a different movie, but settled on Madea when they showed up late.

44.  A nurse in Queens, NY received $15 million in a suit after being sexually harassed by Dr. Matthew Miller.  Reached for comment, Miller said, “Jokes on you, I’m not even a real doctor.”

45.  An Oregon man called 911 after he claimed McDonald’s had robbed him of his correct change.  In suspicion with the crime, police have arrested known felon The Hamburglar.

46.  The Dutch royal family arrived in New York yesterday at the Hudson River to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Henry Hudson’s arrival in New York.  The family felt right at home, mentioning that the Hudson River smelled just like a Dutch oven.

47.  New York Governor David Paterson says he will still run for governor in 2010.  Paterson turned a blind eye to the President’s request for him to drop out.  And then he ignored it.

48.  A new poll (by the Des Moines Register) finds that 92% of people in Iowa believe that “gay marriage has brought no real change to their lives.” The other 8% were phoning in their votes for Adam Lambert.

49.  Khloe Kardashian and Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom are getting married this Sunday – after just one month of dating. With Khloe being Kim’s sister and Lamar being Kobe’s teammate, the two have bonded over what it’s like to be overshadowed by a huge ass.

50.  Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on “Jon & Kate Plus 8” and as of November 2, the TLC show will be called “Kate Plus 8.”  Jon is set to star in his own TLC show, called “Jon Plus Herpes.”